Breaking the Silence
Hey guys! Well it's Monday..... It is a very cold, rainy, gloomy day here in Nashville today... and it is kind of fitting for what has been going through my heart for a good couple of weeks now. Today, October 15th, is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I truly hope no one is offended by me choosing today to write about our journey.... so please try to read this with an open heart.
If you want to get technical, I haven't (not that I'm positively sure of) ever been actually pregnant. So I suppose my "awareness day" or whatever you would like to call it, is actually "Infertility Awareness Week" that I guess was actually in April. I wasn't in a place to share my struggle in April, as I had just went through heartbreak that month.... but this past month feels different than it has in the past, and it's hard to explain. In June this past year, we went and saw a fertility specialist here in Nashville. Tony tested average, and from what the doctor could see through an ultrasound and initial exam with me, she said she couldn't see any reason why we have not gotten pregnant yet, not even once. Only other thing she suggested other than to move forward with an IUI and try, is that she could do a laparoscopic surgery to see if I have endometriosis. Given we've never had a scare and I'm irregular sometimes, that it's very possible it could be what's stopping us from conceiving, but the surgery would be the only way to fully diagnose me with it. We had traveling coming up at the end of July to the end of August, and decided we would wait. Focus on work, and just live. Give it to God and see if something happens on it's own, or how we feel after we get back home in the fall.
This month, October, was the longest time in between my cycles I've ever had; except for 8 years ago, when I suffered a massive ovarian cyst that I had to have surgically removed along with my left ovary. (My period had stopped for 2 months back then, and I knew I was not pregnant. My stomach was growing and that's when they found the cyst and had to operate right away.) This month's cycle was 42 days.... 42 days! I was 2 days shy of my period being exactly 2 weeks late and thinking, "This is it." And I was feeling a lot of things physically along with all the emotions and things running through my head. About 3 or 4 days after my actual "missed period" date, I actually felt so good. I was full of energy, felt fit, my skin felt like it was glowing. The week before, I had some weird random breakouts on my face that had completely cleared and I just felt like my skin was glowing and perfect. I felt these rush of endorphins that had me so happy. Then about 3 or 4 days after that, came random little cramps and twinges here and there... nausea & dizziness happening every morning around 11am, extreme fatigue... to the point where after I forced myself to eat a little lunch, I felt I had to nap 3 days in a row about 1pm for at least 30 min just to try and re-charge to be able to get up and go about my day. I was extremely bloated. Every time I ate, no matter how big or little the meal, I felt so full and bloated. Every time I left the house, I'd wear a tampon bc I thought, AF is coming... I'm cramping periodically so I was like, just prepare yourself.
Little back story......back in April of this year, I had a 40 day cycle. I was due to get my period about March 28th or the 29th and didn't get it until April 10th. So when it was October 8th and still nothing, not even a little spot, I thought, "This has happened before Jaime, don't set your sights on anything until October 10th. If October 10th is basically gone and still nothing, then we can start to really wonder if this is it." I awoke about 7am the morning of October 10th (D-Day in my mind) to slight cramps down on the right side of my uterus and groin area and my lower back on the right side. I woke up, went to the bathroom expecting to find blood, but nothing... yet I thought. The signs are all here, it's coming, here we go again..... Tony was still sleeping, so I went downstairs to try and not disturb him. I sat on the couch and cried alone....just cried so hard. Every month for the last 3 or 4 years when AF comes, of course I'd get a little emotional and sad... but this past April and this month being late, it's heart breaking.
By around 5pm on October 10th, still nothing. Not even a spot. I had to go to Target around that time for a couple things while Tony wasn't home. While I was at Target I thought, I'll get a pregnancy test for now and another one for maybe a couple days from now I can have for the morning to try if still no AF. While I was in Target still, it started raining so hard. So hard that I thought I'm going to wait it out a little bit... I don't want to get soaked. Something was pulling me to the baby section. I usually didn't allow myself to go there unless I was buying a gift for a family member or friend. Even then it's still hard... but when I have a purpose to be there, I can do it. Something was pulling me there though, trying to show me what felt like, "Don't be scared, there's nothing to be scared about... just go look and dream." I saw this little onesie, "Little Star." I thought, how fitting for us.... if this is our moment and our little miracle has finally happened after all this time, I'll have it. Maybe this IS it. So, I let myself get it and take it home. Went home and took a test, (not at the ideal time I know) and plus, I was so nervous, I don't even think I got a good stream.... negative. I wasn't too sad yet, bc like I said, I was like well the HCG might not be strong enough yet... it's ok, don't give up hope yet. October 11th.... still no AF and no cramps at all that day. I felt bloated still, but good. Nausea around 11 am again, but then ok again. I'm feeling SO hopeful... really starting to imagine how life might change and things around the house. That maybe this is what we've been praying for, it's happening. Tonight I decide to finally open up to my mom and tell her I'm late, and as of today, no signs at all that AF is anywhere close.
October 12th: still no AF. A little crampy, but not any different than the past few days. From what I read online, a little bit of cramping in early pregnancy is totally normal. And I thought, "Especially with you having had a surgery 8 years ago, if something is happening, you've got scar tissue- if things are moving and expanding to carry a baby, it might feel crampy and things pulling. Makes total sense." Make it through the entire day with nothing. So really feel like "Ok, tomorrow morning I'll take that other pregnancy test and I think this is it!" Get ready for bed, lay down around midnight. Around 12:30 or 1 am, all of the sudden feel sharper cramps... I know these cramps. These cramps aren't what I've had this week, these are AF cramps. Put a tampon in, sure enough, a little spotting. By Saturday morning the 13th, full on....... total heart break again. Tears and anger. And then of course, today I don't have time to be sad. I have to get dressed and put on a smile, bc we have a double today. Have to play downtown for 4 hours, then at Opryland that night at 9pm. Cried as I was trying to do my make-up... couldn't stop.
So I know you've read this and are saying, well it's not the same, you weren't pregnant. I know medically speaking I wasn't actually. But, this month, for the first time ever, I really let myself go there. I was convinced I was. I felt like I was. When AF came 3 nights ago, I felt this huge sense of that I lost something. It was taken from me again. I'm sad, I cry on and off.... I've told God how angry I am again and how much I don't understand, but I know He's with me and us all of the time. I know I have so much to be grateful for every single day. And I do NOT take these things and blessings for granted. And I know His timing if/when it happens, will be so much better than anything I could ever imagine. I still have an ounce of hope left. I know my hope cup will grow fuller again as I heal from this yet again.... right now, it's only about an ounce, but it's something. It's still faith... and I'm holding onto it as tight as I can.
Xo to all those who have lost a pregnancy or given birth to a baby that didn't make it... or simply all the women out there like me who are struggling to even get pregnant. I know your struggles, and we're not alone, there are so many of us out there going through it. We are strong, and we will make it through!!